I have a racing, wandering, rambling mind. I always have. It has at times, distracted me from doing schoolwork, doing actual work, carrying on conversations, running errands, reading books, completing my house work, having sex and most certainly- sleeping.
The best way I can relate how it feels would be to equate to having a job to do at an office. You have to get those reports in by 5 and it’s already 3 pm. You’re just able to focus when the phone rings, and it’s an important client. Then, Susan from accounting stops by to review numbers. Two minutes later, your co worker has a melt down at your desk. You’re trying to finish this damn report but Dan from sales is re-enacting a scene from Breaking Bad while standing directly behind your chair. Your boss pops by every 15 minutes to track your progress. While this is going on, there’s a visiting travelling Circus in your office complete with a petting zoo, trapeze artists, tumbling clowns, Firedancers, sword swallowers, helium filled balloons, and that traditional circus music blaring from all four corners of your office.
Each random thought that pops in to my head is like a different act in that circus.
The tumbling clowns are all the funny things I have seen or heard that replay back in my head. This act is reserved for things like old Seinfeld episodes, my favorite Saturday Night Live sketches, and Family Guy gags. It also includes funny things my partner or friends have said, and contains the time my cat got a bag stuck on his head and he peed the entire length of the hallway, running, while the bag flapped behind him like an unfortunate parachute.
Then there’s the Trapeze act. These are things I think I should be doing but am still only in the thinking stage, not the acting stage. I’m afraid of heights. I’m afraid of people. I’m afraid of foods past the expiration date. I’m afraid of a lot of things.
The petting zoo consists of all the animals I want to pet. Baby goats, poofy dogs, fluffy kitties, that arrogant dog down the street that won’t let me pet him, rabbits, hedgehogs, squirrels and pigeons.
Then there’s the sword swallower. These are all things that make me go Yeesh while shaking my head wondering why anyone would want to do such a thing. This includes but is not limited to; subdermal implants, RFID chips, eye tattoos, collagen fillers, Trump supporters, racism, random acts of violence, the Kardashians and general crime/politics.
The fortune teller encompasses all the things that perplex me. Things I am curious about. Things that have led to me being labelled a Conspiracy Theorist in the past. They say Conspiracy Theorist, I say truth seeker or just curious is a more accurate depiction. I mean, I’m not one of those people that think the world is flat but I do question things like possible false flag attacks, fake news and what the government tells us. I questioned the whole 911 narrative, the JFK assassination, the moon landing, whether aliens are A) real B) here C) demons D) the original inhabitants of this planet and maybe WE are the aliens.
The Freak Show are aspects of myself that I try to hide. My insecurities. My quirks. My obsessive compulsive behaviors. This is where I clip and examine my toenails and remove my blackheads. This is where I listen to and sing along loudly to the formidable Kelly Clarkson. This is also where I borrow that voice I talk to my dog in.
The tiger and elephant parade reminds me of things I can appreciate and value but not touch. The beauty of the sun gleaming across the Atlantic ocean, my gratitude for some of the wonderful people present in my life or my lover’s laugh and smile. This is where I store the way I feel when she puts her arm around me in the middle of the night until I drift off to sleep. My dog’s face is there too. The face she makes when I hold her and rub her head, the face she makes when she’s running through the grass. These are the precious things.
The Firedancer envelopes all the things that frighten me. Impending war, losing my love- my partner, running out of money and food, the future, whether being gay will lead me to the fiery pits of hell. Will I get fat again? (even though I’ve kept it off for a decade) Will the world just get worse? Just how dumb are people going to get??
The helium filled balloons represents each idea I have had that has either popped, backfired or I never got around to. The big red balloon just out of my reach? That’s my book. The blue one that’s floating up up up to the ceiling? That was my art business. That annoying yellow balloon that keeps bopping me in the face despite me trying to swat it away? That was when I moved to Newfoundland for a fresh start and lost all my belongings. Everything I owned. The little ones floating away? Those are my exes. Quick! Give me a pin!
The Ringleader or Ring Master, is God who tries to keep me on track. He tries to organize my thoughts in to manageable compartments and keep me focused on the task at hand. He tries to make me a better human. He gives me warm peanuts and sticky cotton candy. He gives me hope that the next act will be better…
Live Humbly, Be Charitable, Live Graciously,
Old Barnum & Bailey Poster http://blog.tripbase.com/photo-essay-history-of-the-traveling-circus/
Floating balloons http://balloonsdelivered.com.au/balloons/floating-balloons/