It’s all so commercial. Geared towards the consumer. I haven’t been a proper consumer in years. I haven’t been able to work in years. I’m trying to do things from home. It’s picking up but it’s slow going. When you’re poor and chronically ill and in pain daily, your priorities change in life. Where, at one time I fretted over things like the perfectly decorated Christmas Tree, or making sure I baked enough cookies. Will I get all my Christmas shopping done in time? Now I think things like, can I stay awake long enough to visit with people? How many bed ridden days will this holiday bring? Can I handle the stress of the travels? Am I going to break down and cry in front of her family? Am I going to annoy my partner because I’m so exhausted I’m going to need to rest when she wants to go out? Please don’t let my dog poop in the house. There’s a lot of stairs in that house and the house itself is huge. My body is not used to that, so my legs and back often give out while I’m there. It’s embarrassing. ME/CFS is embarrassing. The only other people who understand it, typically, are those with the disease. To others, we’re just depressed or lazy or need to get out more or or or.
My partner and I also both lost our fathers. Hers to cancer about 16 months ago; mine at his own choice by cutting me out 18 months ago. The loss of her father still hangs heavily on everyone’s hearts. He was a great man. A kind, gentle and caring man; one of a kind. My father, still alive, has always been kind of a jerk. Selfish, immature and somewhat ignorant of the world. He’s not a loving man. Nevertheless, he’s my Dad. I still love him and his absence hurts. My mother’s absence hurts; we haven’t spoke in 5 years. Family is actually incredibly important to me and it’s always bothered me that mine is so fractured.
Being chronically ill disables you. Physically and mentally. Unfortunately many of us fall into that grey area on paper where you don’t qualify for provincial or federal benefits. Most people require legal representation to get those federal benefits. If you can’t work, you rely on your “family”. My family consists of my partner “C”, my dog Lucy, my partner’s family and my sisters from other misters. These are my close gal pals that I confide in. That confide in me. They’ve helped me many times. I trust these women. In my life, I haven’t been able to rely on or really trust my own blood family, but I can trust these women. They are my support.
I have other things on my mind right now besides Christmas. I’m more concerned about getting by day by day. My partner’s job could be gone any time because there’s no job security where she works. I can’t go in to detail about what she does as it’s kind of a public job. It’s stressful. So, are we out spending money on presents? No, we’re trying to keep up with bills and the ever increasing cost of eating healthfully which costs just as much as our rent I might add.
Do I want to write a holiday inspired post everyday? No. Not really? I just don’t give a tiny rat’s ass right now. I’m still battling a virus, my partner has it, my wrist is still healing/broken. I won’t know unless I sit at the hospital emergency for hours and hours because let’s face it, it’s not really an emergency, I just don’t have a doctor and really need an X-ray.
I need a nap.
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