Can I Borrow a Spoon or Two?

Bzzzzzzzz the anxiety is high today.  Bzzzzzzz It rings in my ears, vibrates through my bones, reverberates through my skin and echoes through my lungs as my chest tightens in around itself like a nervous armadillo.   Bzzzzzz  my eyes lose focus and my train of thought ceases.  Bzzzzzzz I forget how to breath and here comes the tears.  It’s getting dark.  It’s a panic attack.

This is how I started my morning.  The last few days I’ve been physically and mentally exhausted.  I’m wide awake all night long and unable to fall asleep until almost lunchtime.  I get a few hours of snooze and then I’m up again.  Not quite awake but not asleep, I’ve been drifting through the last few days like a ghost.

I’ve had a lot of pain in my wrist/arm which I am now convinced is broken but I loathe hospitals and rarely have a drive so I haven’t gone and gotten it checked out.  What the hell am I gonna do with a cast on my arm? I got shit to do.  I usually have to feel like I’m physically dying to justify going to the Emergency room.   With all the pain in my wrist, back and neck, the only way I’m comfortable is lying down.  I’ve gotten nothing done around the house, I haven’t blogged or been on Social Media, other than brief lurking and Gif viewing.

I’m just tired.

Tomorrow, we travel home to Nova Scotia for Christmas.  We have to take the ferry.  It wouldn’t be as bad if we had a car but lugging all our suitcases and my little dog and standing outside in the weather until boarding time then all the walking you have to do once you board just kills my body.  I have to drop my dog off at the kennels and then go up stairs to find a place to perch.  It’s the holidays so I’m guessing the boat will be packed with people.  Ugh. It’s usually cold on the boat so I’ll have to bring a blanket.  The whole thing is a pain in the ass.  I look forward to the day when we can just pack up our car and drive there, avoiding all the noise, hassle, pain and cold of the ferry.  I usually need a day or so to recover from the travel.  It’s embarrassing.  

It’s a week of visiting and dinners and family and friends and food I’m not supposed to eat.  I’ve mentioned before how I’m not in the Christmas spirit at all this year, so it’ll be a week of acting, watching my language and making sure my dog doesn’t poop anywhere in the house.  My mother in law’s house is really large so it’s a lot of walking and stairs.  At some point, my legs will go out and I’ll be stuck in the basement for a day crying out of frustration and humiliation.   

Don’t get me wrong, I love my in laws.  They’re wonderful people and they’ve been very kind to me.  I love to see them and the little nieces.  It’s just me.  My body doesn’t always cooperate.  I get tired fast.  I just run out of spoons.  It both depresses and frightens me so I cry.  I’m peri menopausal so I cry.  I’m grateful for their kindness so I cry.  I cry over everything these days.  It’s embarrassing and I don’t want them to think less of me.

I’m a bumbling, Pajama wearing mess.

But I have to try to be normal for a week.  

I have a ton of shit to do today to prepare for our trip, I just want to crawl back in to a warm bed and sleep.

How do you handle all the activity during the holiday season?

What do you do when you just don’t have enough spoons?

I love reading your comments!

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17 thoughts on “Can I Borrow a Spoon or Two?

      1. I fully plan to wear yoga pants on the plane. Socially acceptable travel pjs. Also, from a lot of recent spoonie travel: wear one of those travel thera-pain heating pad patches that are disposable and last eight hours. Hydrate, hydrate (kind of a do or die thing for dysautonomia in general but seems to apply to most spoonies), arrive so you are early enough to take a rest at the transit station – no wasting spoons you can’t afford rushing because you are late – and call ahead about scooters and a pass to sit in the accessible seats in mass transit if it’s not assigned seats.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Oh, and it sounds like you are staying with family, but if you are at a hotel, get over any lingering pride (I will have a post at some point about how weird the “getting over pride” part was for me) and ask about accessible rooms. I will have a loving post at some point about how accessible rooms have shower chairs and safety hand holds. I’d probably have a head wound from fainting in one at this point on a business trip if my doctor hadn’t broached planning ahead for shower chairs and other dysautonomia sensibilities, especially on relatively packed business trips.

        Liked by 2 people

  1. Does THC/CBD do anything to help with your sleeplessness? I’ve found that it is the only non-narcotic, non-addictive thing that has the power to overcome my otherwise supernatural insomnia. I am never without it, hence I sleep well almost every night. Of course, I don’t have anything like the pain you contend with, so I realize that’s another big factor in your sleeplessness, but I’m just curious if weed and weed-related products do anything to help you catch a few zzz’s.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sam, I feel your pain and frustration. I have menopause behind me (thank goodness) but when arthritis caused me to change my lifestyle it was most frustrating. I did a lot of crying and feeling frustrated because I could no longer do the things I wanted to do. I gave up my car because I couldn’t go get groceries without someone else to load them in the car and then bring them in the house. Such a simple thing that I had always done but could not any longer. I couldn’t walk very far and never without something to hold on to. I had to start sleeping on the daybed in the living room because I couldn’t go up and down stairs every day so after 42 years of marriage, Peter and I sleep in different beds. We have both adjusted but it was strange at first. When I do chores it takes me hours to accomplish something that took 15 minutes only a few years ago because I have to sit down every so often to ease the pain in my back. The frustration is through the roof. When I hit my lowest low I try to count my blessings. At least I’m not in hospital fighting cancer or heart disease or any of the life threatening things others deal with. I’m in my own home (my happy place) with my seven wonderful wiener dogs who I am still able to care for, and have a fantastic husband who comes home to us every day after working hard to support us. Like so many other people probably do, I often think, “if only I knew then what I know now…” I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you and wishing a pain free holiday for you, or at least as little pain as possible so you can enjoy this time with family and friends. PS: Go to the hospital about your arm in case it is broken and doesn’t heal properly. I don’t do hospitals either but a break can be serious.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awe thank you Sharon.. I think about you often and wonder how everyone is. It’s really hard adjusting to this life I’ll tell you. Not having a vehicle or medical coverage has really impacted my health.. My family and I are estranged now so.. The holidays are just so damn hard now. xoxo


  3. I really tried to cut down on doing so much this year, so that I could actually enjoy the holiday with my immediate family. Unfortunately, I find myself still stressed out with only five days left. Maybe I’ll figure out how to make it less stressful next year πŸ˜”

    Wishing you no pain (or as little as possible) on your journey!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Please, go to an emergency room or urgent care office (or something comparable in Canada) when you are in Nova Scotia and have access to a car and driver. You can get all sorts of bad things in your bloodstream if you don’t get a broken bone set correctly. This includes a pulmonary embolism from bits of the marrow lodging in your lungs. If you suddenly have A LOT of trouble breathing, immediately call an ambulance! You could also get a stroke or heart attack from the same mechanism, but for some reason, it’s usually the lungs that get hit.
    I totally identify with not wanting to go when you have no insurance. My ankle was broken when I thought it was only badly sprained, so I now have a huge lump on the front of my ankle that hurts like hell when I am on my feet too much…all because I needed to save a few pennies when I wasn’t covered by insurance.
    I feel your pain and frustration. Maybe I’ll blog about how I got through my vale of tears.

    Liked by 1 person

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