Father’s Day. This day brings up a whole host of emotions.
My parents and I have no relationship. They never took the time to get to know me as a person, after they divorced when I was 12.
My father doesn’t believe I am ill. Instead, he believes I am merely lazy. Anyone who knows me, knows I am not lazy, but I do have physical limitations, that for whatever reason, my father chooses to ignore.
This post is for the man I call my “father”. The man that has bailed on me each and everytime I have needed him.
The man that belittled me so much as a teenager, I tried to take my own life at 18, and have suffered a lifetime of low self esteem, no self worth.
The man that upon walking into his workplace of 10 years for the first time, his co workers didn’t even know he had a daughter. They knew he had a (step) son, but no daughter.
The man that referred to me as “It” growing up.
The man that refused to spend ANY time with me, but took my stepbrother fishing the first opportunity he had, despite me begging my father to take me fishing for a decade.
The man that made me drive myself to the hospital during an asthma attack because he was too busy. Drinking.
The man that made me go for 3 days over Christmas one year unable to breath, eat dinner, didn’t care to open presents. I was told the hospital was closed, and he kept drinking.
The man who has forgotten my birthday on numerous occasions.
The man that treated me more like a burden than family.
The man that used to like to kick me in my butt and genitals when he was mad, after punching holes in my bedroom door.
The man that when I was being physically abused by an ex boyfriend, told me to call the police and wouldn’t come to get me out of there. I was almost choked to death that night.
The man who has sat back and watched me struggle and literally starve while he shops for motorcycles.
The man that upon telling him I had cervical cancer, simply changed the subject to talk about motorcycles.
The man that never grew up, and despite all the help he received from his own parents, never thought to pay that forward to his only biological child.
The man that laughed at me when I told him I wanted to go to University.
The man that has literally hurt me more than anyone on this earth.
The man that for whatever reason, I still adored, despite everything he has said and done to me.
The man who’s last words to me were, “I don’t want to hear about your illness, or see your face.” Because I was unable to keep up on payments on a decade old line of credit he co signed for me. Literally one of the ONLY things he’s ever done for me. The man’s stuff and his motorcycles have always been more important than me.
Today, going through my newsfeed, I see all these awesome dads, and the many good wishes bestowed upon them, and it makes me sad.
I’m glad there are great dads out there, I know they exist, I’ve seen them in action. This just hasn’t been my experience.
I bet if you asked my father about me, he wouldn’t know where to start because he doesn’t know me as a human.
The man I have completely cut ties with to stop the lifelong mental, physical and emotional abuse.
If you are blessed with a great father, hug him extra hard today for me.
Be kind to your children.
Happy Father’s Day.
Stock photo courtesy of 123RF