Can I Borrow a Spoon or Two?

Bzzzzzzzz the anxiety is high today.  Bzzzzzzz It rings in my ears, vibrates through my bones, reverberates through my skin and echoes through my lungs as my chest tightens in around itself like a nervous armadillo.   Bzzzzzz  my eyes lose focus and my train of thought ceases.  Bzzzzzzz I forget how to breath and here comes the tears.  It’s getting dark.  It’s a panic attack.

This is how I started my morning.  The last few days I’ve been physically and mentally exhausted.  I’m wide awake all night long and unable to fall asleep until almost lunchtime.  I get a few hours of snooze and then I’m up again.  Not quite awake but not asleep, I’ve been drifting through the last few days like a ghost.

I’ve had a lot of pain in my wrist/arm which I am now convinced is broken but I loathe hospitals and rarely have a drive so I haven’t gone and gotten it checked out.  What the hell am I gonna do with a cast on my arm? I got shit to do.  I usually have to feel like I’m physically dying to justify going to the Emergency room.   With all the pain in my wrist, back and neck, the only way I’m comfortable is lying down.  I’ve gotten nothing done around the house, I haven’t blogged or been on Social Media, other than brief lurking and Gif viewing.

I’m just tired.

Tomorrow, we travel home to Nova Scotia for Christmas.  We have to take the ferry.  It wouldn’t be as bad if we had a car but lugging all our suitcases and my little dog and standing outside in the weather until boarding time then all the walking you have to do once you board just kills my body.  I have to drop my dog off at the kennels and then go up stairs to find a place to perch.  It’s the holidays so I’m guessing the boat will be packed with people.  Ugh. It’s usually cold on the boat so I’ll have to bring a blanket.  The whole thing is a pain in the ass.  I look forward to the day when we can just pack up our car and drive there, avoiding all the noise, hassle, pain and cold of the ferry.  I usually need a day or so to recover from the travel.  It’s embarrassing.  

It’s a week of visiting and dinners and family and friends and food I’m not supposed to eat.  I’ve mentioned before how I’m not in the Christmas spirit at all this year, so it’ll be a week of acting, watching my language and making sure my dog doesn’t poop anywhere in the house.  My mother in law’s house is really large so it’s a lot of walking and stairs.  At some point, my legs will go out and I’ll be stuck in the basement for a day crying out of frustration and humiliation.   

Don’t get me wrong, I love my in laws.  They’re wonderful people and they’ve been very kind to me.  I love to see them and the little nieces.  It’s just me.  My body doesn’t always cooperate.  I get tired fast.  I just run out of spoons.  It both depresses and frightens me so I cry.  I’m peri menopausal so I cry.  I’m grateful for their kindness so I cry.  I cry over everything these days.  It’s embarrassing and I don’t want them to think less of me.

I’m a bumbling, Pajama wearing mess.

But I have to try to be normal for a week.  

I have a ton of shit to do today to prepare for our trip, I just want to crawl back in to a warm bed and sleep.


How do you handle all the activity during the holiday season?

What do you do when you just don’t have enough spoons?

I love reading your comments!

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The Blog Broad Tag


Sam

My Addiction: A Sweet Tale

addicted to sugarWe’re an indulgent society aren’t we?  We binge eat, binge drink, binge watch ourselves in to addiction, obesity, diabetes, loneliness and isolation.  When it comes to indulgence, we don’t do anything half-assed.  We save the sloppy for the big things, the things that really matter.  Things like personal relationships, jobs/careers and responsibilities will often get thrown by the wayside to make room for some of our dark indulgences..

I’m going to tell you about one of mine… 

My kryptonite…

A few years back… wait… it’s been a decade.  Where does the time go?  Anyway, a decade ago, my aunt gave me 2 dozen homemade shortbread cookies.  It was Christmas, and she knew they were my favorite.  Christmas Eve I found my self watching the old 1951 black and white A Christmas Carol starring Alastair Sim, alone, an annual tradition of mine- when I realize I’ve eaten all 2 dozen cookies.  I had purchased some shortbreads from the store earlier not realizing I would get these homemade ones, so I found those and I ate them too.

This was not, and wouldn’t be my last rodeo battling shortbread addiction. 

Shortbread Cookies

Years prior, I visited my mother in Ontario for the holidays.  In anticipation of my arrival, she baked 4 dozen shortbread cookies.  I ate them all.  Myself.  True story.  I couldn’t shit for a week.  Since the counter on which they enticingly sat was a mere foot step and a hop away from the bathroom door, I would grab one or 2 on my way.  Each time I passed that alluring plate, I would grab 1 or 2.  I would wake up in the morning with ghost crumbs on my face and pillow without recollection of having eaten cookies.

This remains a battle to this day.  Every holiday season I simply MUST have shortbread cookies.  I’ve seen myself counting coins out at home only to rush to the store to buy the in-store baked shortbreads.  They’re not as good.  Must be missing the love.  They’re made with minimum wage resentment instead of love.  Not the same at all. 

My lust for the sweets doesn’t end there.  It also extends to cakes, pies, loaves, donuts, flaky pastries, cupcakes and squares.  (I like to eat)

mmmmmm... donuts...
mmmmm… donuts…

I’ve baked and iced chocolate cakes only to eat the entire thing myself in 2 days.

My inner “Sweets Whore” has no personal time clock.  She will covet a slice of that chocolate cake your sister in law made at 3 am.  She doesn’t care if everyone’s asleep.  She will make you eat cheesecake in your underwear over the sink at midnight like some kind of sugar fiending Gollum.  No shame.

Must have the precious - Gollum

In recent years, I have been diagnosed with a wheat/gluten intolerance.  Now when I eat baked goods I inflame.  I swell in my hands, eyes, feet and legs.  I get eczema patches and rashes all over my body and face, particularly my eyes.  I get furiously tired, unfocused and scatterbrained.

Well played God.  Well played.

I think you’ve had enough cookies my child.

What about pie?

No.

It’s going to be challenging going home this year for Christmas.  There’s always delicious food and homemade things everywhere.  I have to stay away because I can’t take the consequences anymore.  It’s hard to really enjoy that cake when you know that the next day, you’re going to fully understand why dogs bum scoot on carpets..  Yeah… that’s a symptom of wheat allergy/gluten intolerance.

I must stay strong.  I can do this.

Are you addicted to sweets?

Do you have a wheat allergy or gluten intolerance?

Live Humbly, Be Charitable, Live Graciously,

Sam

 

 

Images

Gollum  https://hotwhitesnow.wordpress.com/2016/04/05/my-precious/

Addcted to sugar  https://goqii.com/blog/are-you-craving-for-sugar/

Woman looking at donuts  https://www.rodalewellness.com/weight-loss/4-reasons-youre-addicted-to-sweets

Shortbread cookies  http://www.cbc.ca/food/recipes/recipe-shortbread-cookies

 

 

 

How the Blog Broad Steals a Little Christmas

So my partner “C” has never seen the original 1966 How the Grinch Stole Christmas.  First, how one goes 35 years without ever having experienced this animated Holiday masterpiece is beyond me.  Secondly, how old AM I?  I’ve literally watched it every single year of my TV watching life.  When I was young, it got marked on the calendar when it would air so I wouldn’t miss it.  It just completes Christmas for me annually.  I still love cartoons, I make no apologies.  I think if I had kids no one would even question it but I can’t play the it’s for my kid card.

For your viewing pleasure:

Infact, earlier today while I was catching up on my favorite bloggers, I came across a post by one of favorites A Fractured Faith.  It’s a husband and wife team.  They’re great and a must follow.  Their 11 year old daughter, an aspiring blogger herself, shared her report on C.S Lewis and I was suddenly reminded me of how much I enjoyed the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe as a kid.  Whenever the 1979 animated version aired, I HAD to watch it.  I did a quick search on YouTube and there it was.  I watched it while doing laundry.

Other old Christmas cartoon favorites for me include A Garfield Christmas Special (which we plan on watching next); A Charlie Brown Christmas, Mickey’s Christmas Carol, Frosty the Snowman and the 1964 stop motion animated Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  

Even though I’m all B’ah Humbug this year, I still enjoy watching my old Christmas favorites, not just limited to cartoons.  My all time favorite Christmas movie is A Christmas Story, followed closely by National Lampoons Christmas Vacation.  I watch these every year.

Be honest, you still like cartoons don’t you?

What are some of your favorite Christmas movies?


Live Humbly, Be Charitable, Live Graciously,

Sam