Dealing with people for the better part of nearly 45 years has taught me something. People are shit.
People like to prey on the vulnerable, take advantage of the kind, walk all over the meek, and generally assert their dominance over anyone in their path.
Something happened to me over this winter. This winter had me sick and laid up more than any winter to date. I broke bones, I fell a few times, kept getting sick and my arthritis was at a 10 most days.
Now, I don’t know if it’s the menopause, or the amount of time I spend alone thinking, or the many videos and research I’ve done into dealing with narcissistic abuse from family and friends, as well as CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), but I feel like I’ve aged in wisdom about 10 years or more.
I grew a backbone.
I’ve learned not a lot of people don’t enjoy my new found confidence, joie de vivre, my way of living, my lack of fucks to dish out.
Who do you think you are judging others? Judge not lest ye be judged – Matthew 7:1.
The most effective way to be judged yourself, is to judge someone else. You don’t know what a person has been through, is dealing with, whether they have support or not, whether they’re being abused. So it’s best to keep your judging mouth shut unless you want all of your skeletons pouring out of your proverbial closets.
Who do you think you are to give me medical advice about my conditions? Last time I checked, your were slinging cannabis, not getting your degree in medicine.
Who do you think you are giving out life advice when your own house is a mess. If you’re a mess yourself, why let that influence and affect another person? Keep your mess to yourself thank you, and kindly fuck off.
Who do people think they are these days? Self absorbed, entitled, selfish twats.
Have you ever noticed how heartily someone will argue something they know virtually nothing about? Ignorant twat. The Dunning-Kruger Effect is at maximum throttle in our society.
To all the Brendas and Karens out there sporting your let me speak to your manager haircuts, who do you think you are? What are you doing hun? (We’re all huns here) Do you think you are the only women with children? Problems at work? Customer service issues? Wrong order sent to your table? Incorrect change given? Did someone cut you off in traffic, or take the parking spot you were gunning for at Walmart?
I think I need to remind you, you are not a unique snowflake.
What makes you so special above everyone else? I’d really like to know. Maybe write a little comment explaining why you feel you’re more important than anyone else in our world.
Who do I think I am? I think I’m just a busted up ol’ broad, blogging for free therapy, struggling to get through one day at a time. I stay humble. I am not better than anyone. I have issues and I recognize those. I am here merely by the grace of God.
It would serve us more if we could all be a little bit more humble. A little bit more compassionate, just a tiny bit more empathetic to others.
Stop the judging, the gossiping, the putting yourself on that pedestal that no one sees but you. Stop interfering with other people’s lives and focus on your own.
I’m in menopause. Full blown menopause. I’m 44 so it’s early onset from a prior medical incident following emergency surgery for Endometriosis. Endometriosis is a disease that not a lot of people know about or understand but lemme tell you, it affects A LOT of women. Roughly 10-20% of women in North America suffer from Endometriosis which affects everything menstrual cycles, mood swings, pain. So much pain. You see get these cysts that develop from hormone levels; environmental things like the foods we eat, or the chemicals we are exposed to as fetuses and young developing women. These cysts over time multiply and multiply. They sometimes rupture which, depending on the size and location of the cyst can result in not only toxic material flowing in to your body which can cause sepsis. It can result in many emergency room visits, and Ladies, don’t you dare think this isn’t ambulance worthy- it is. It will be the most excruciating thing you will ever experience next to childbirth. Truth, and I don’t have children, but fuck me- that looks mighty painful. These cysts then go on to form colonies of cysts that can fuse your organs together. My ENTIRE endocrine system is fused in these cysts. That means my ovaries, well I only had one partially working one anyway, my bladder, bowel and uterus are fused. I was unable to carry children. I got pregnant once and I had miscarriage. After an emergency surgery, as my body was in sepsis I was placed on a drug called Lupron which medically induced menopause. After that, I was prescribed Depo Provera for 6 months before getting the Mirena IUD which completely stopped my periods for 7 years. I started experiencing the premenopausal symptoms around age 39 then full blown Menopause this year. It’s been well over a year and a half since my last period.
I don’t have anyone to talk about this with. I mean, you don’t talk about menopause, it’s something old ladies get. Right? So we often suffer in silence with all these symptoms because, it’s embarassing. Why? I’m not sure. I don’t have a mom or a step mom to talk to, and I seem to be the first one of my friends going through this, that I know of anyway. While I am recovering from pneumonia (I’m so hopped up on meds and this relentless cough) I decided to write a blog post about this.
First thing you need to understand ladies: You’re NOT GOING CRAZY. It’s a fact of life and the end of a natural cycle in a woman’s life. Some of us will have it sooner than later, some of us will have it harder than others. It’s not gross. Periods were gross. I won’t get in to the gory details, men can’t handle this talk, and it’s my hope a few men will read this so they can understand their partners a little better.
Your hormones are battling it out for sheer dominance at every given moment of the day. Your emotions will become hijacked, your mind will race with thoughts of anger, frustration, sadness, hunger, remorse, guilt, fatigue. This can take place over the course of an hour. It’s kind of like developing Borderline Personality Disorder.
My food tastes have changed dramatically. I don’t crave the sugar and the salt like I once did. Because of other health issues, immune system disorders, CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) Fibromyalgia & Osteoarthritis) I eat a fairly clean diet. I reduced my animal proteins and increased plant proteins, I avoid gluten and dairy as much as I can. I eat as organic as I can, I don’t consume alcohol* so this combined with fairly regular low impact exercise I have kept my weight down but it’s not uncommon that women gain weight during this time.
The Crying. Oh God, the crying. Unless you’re a stern, or staunch woman, you will experience bouts of tears that appear out of nowhere. You will cry from anything ranging to past memories, to things you are grateful for. My friend bought me a book that I wanted – BOOM- crying. Someone letting you cut in a line when you’re in a hurry- BOOM- crying. An elderly person wins the big prize on The Price is Right- BOOM-crying. So help you God if they win BOTH showcases! It’s an emotional roller coaster. I recommend maybe a COSTCO membership just to save on Kleenex and chocolate.
WHY AM I ON FIRE? Is this what spontaneous human combustion feels like? I think this is what spontaneous human combustion feels like. I NEED TO GET THIS BLOODY SHIRT OFF!!!! All that needed to be bolded because this is how it will go through your mind when a hot flash kicks in. BUY HANDHELD FANS IN BULK. Those bitches break. Mine just broke this past week and I tell you what.. scream .. I need that fucking thing and they are APPARENTLY fucking seasonal so you can’t find one goddamn hand held and/or power fan in this Godless city. Sorry for the cursing. THAT’S gonna happen a lot more too. Thanks to the rage of a hundred angry, hungry, fighting dogs that has now set up pit in your head, frequent shows, all access, anyone can view for free! Be sure to include children because Lord are they little shits now. It’s not their fault. I blame the internet and handheld devices. It’s commercialism’s fault. They’ve fried your brain a bit as a parent and as developing youth because…. what’s on Facebook/Pinterest/ Twitter/YouTube/Netflix……?” It’s not your fault, society has changed us for the worse. We’re all just slightly bigger dicks for it.
Hot flashes will begin in your chest area and sweep up your neck and face until, unless you have a fan, you will literally pour water from your body. You’ll sweat more. It’s gross. I can’t often wear make up because of it. What’s the point without a fan your make up is no match for a hot flash. Oooh! Cosmetic companies: Create makeup for hot flash women. Wait, it would probably include some carcinogen and cause cancer. Fuck. Scrap that. Wear light layers and go with my bulk handheld fan recommendation. Get a small power fan and keep one next to where you sit in the daytime, in the evening time, and next to your bed. Drink LOTS of water. If you don’t you’ll get A LOT of headaches. It’s because of the hot flashes and all the sweating. A good way to tell if you’re dehydrated is the color of your pee. The darker it is, the more water you should pound. It should increasingly get lighter then clear. If it doesn’t, you may have an infection. (bladder, urinary tract, kidney) Go see a doctor for God sake what’s wrong with you?
There are some natural things out there you can take in supplement form you can find at any pharmacy or nutrition store. Black Cohosh, flax seed, Calcium, Vitamin D, Wild Yam, Ginseng, DHEA, Dong Quai, Soy (if you’re not allergic of course) Currently I have no access to these right now so I’m going on nothing.
You’ll want to keep a towel nearby to cover up the sopping wet mess you will constantly leave on your sheets and pillow cases. Trust me, lay that towel down on the wet spot and go to sleep because Girl, you’re tired and you a’int got time to wash sheets in the middle of the damn night what are you doing?? You’re just gonna be in the same boat tomorrow. But you will need to frequent up your sheet changing regime. Keep a change of clothes nearby and change them if you are wet, I think this could be why I got pneumonia.
It’s like going through puberty all over again I’ve noticed my anxiety has kicked up several notches. You’ll probably experience bouts of insomnia simply because you can’t shut your brain off. I also went through some adult acne. I think my voice is even deeper than it was. Keep to a healthy diet and exercise the way you want to, it can help and it’s just common sense. You may get some unexpected unflattering hair growth as well. Tweezers and good depilatory creams will become a must.
Your chances of having a child, or another child is done now. You may need to process this. Cry it out, that is how you process things. You have to allow yourself to feel things in order to move past it. This is true with any traumatic event we encounter. Think about it, cry about it, pray about it, have some inner dialogue about it, eat some dairy free ice cream and you’ll probably move on and feel better.
Your sex drive will probably decrease Our bodies use sex to procreate mainly so once the need to procreate ends you will probably feel the urge a little less. You may have to put in a little more effort with your partner during this time. That effort would include finding things to stimulate your desires, discussing things with them so they don’t think it’s them, which can leave them feeling a little neglected. We should always show love to our partners- when they deserve it. Those assholes.
You should experience some emotional growth as well as some confidence during this time With maturity comes an understanding that shit just is what it is. You can’t control or change everything. You are not Superwoman. You are not a unique snowflake. You don’t have to have the body of a 25 year old because, Surprise Bitch! You’re NOT 25. I for example, am just a broad. Just a broad getting through day by day through the Grace of God.
It’s not all bad. It can be pretty freeing to not give a fuck anymore.
I really hope this post has prepared you a little bit. Maybe you’ll learn what to expect and can prepare. Share this with your lady friends, share this with partners. Because Menopause is a family event. It will affect your loved ones, your friends, your work, your energy levels and it IS a big deal because of all these things.. I often wonder, if men experienced menopause would there be paid leaves and loads of information out there for them. Possibly a national holiday in honor of it. National Men’s Awareness Month. They can have March, no one likes March. Look how much research has gone into extending erections.
Why can’t we just talk about it?
*update: (June 2019) I have begun drinking again. Because fuck menopause, and a little alcohol seems to help with the hot flashes.
First, let me start off noting how much of a terrible blogger I am. Since February, wifey and I have been doing a Monday to Friday live radio show on Higher Living Wellness Radio, an internet radio station. I also write a blog for them. It surrounds medical cannabis, cannabis news and reviews from a Canadian perspective. We also play music to medicate by. A lot of harder rock, alternative and metal. That keeps me pretty busy. After the show, I’m usually over stimulated from constant web surfing, tweeting and interacting on several social media platforms all whilst listening to metal music. This has resulted in my reluctant absence from my blog. I mean, I want to blog. I’m just too damn tired. One thing I do often have energy for is reading random web comments on Facebook, Twitter and Reddit posts. I’m a bit of a lurker. If you ever want a snapshot of a microcosm that amplifies ALL that is wrong in our society, read some internet comments, but not for TOO long, as you will quickly lose all faith in humanity leading you to the conclusion that we are all doomed as humans. People are rude. Not just rude, but outright savages with one another. It’s amazing how people seem to feel free and entitled to unleash the most obscene, vulgar, hatred upon another person. It pops up in the most unexpected places too. For example, today, I was scrolling through my news feed when I saw a post on one of the (far too) many dachshund groups I belong to. Someone needed help to pay for an expensive surgery for their dog and right away someone felt the need to judge this person for paying a lot of money to save her companion. First of all, most people think of their dogs as family, many people only have their dogs and no one else, and if something happens to your family- you take care of it. Is it a lot of money? Yes? But who am I to judge? I’d do it too if my Lucy got sick and I was able to raise the funds to make her better. This simple post turned into a hate fest, begun by one person. Things often escalate quickly in the comments section of an internet post. It can go from “Stuff it” to “I will peel the skin from your face and turn it in to a soup to feed you with” in literally seconds. The problem with spending too much time reading comments is that it ultimately leads you to the temptation to participate in the discussion. “Well, I don’t like THAT, here’s MY opinion.” Why do we feel the need to do this? Who does it serve really? Yeah, you might get off some quick witted zingers to your satisfaction but who cares? Why contribute? When I saw all the strife this post caused I eventually DID comment. I commented with the fact that statements like this individual’s are meant to incite anger to create fights online. Some people have very little in their lives, some people can’t process things, some people are just having a bad day and some people are just plain mentally ill. You can’t reason with these people. The best thing to do is ignore responses like that. Don’t give that person any attention, after all, this is what they seek so denying them the satisfaction is like snuffing out a candle. It can stop there if you want it to. Just don’t engage. The original poster of the offensive statement attempted to initiate an argument with me. I responded with a simple, “Nope- not engaging, sorry- have a nice day” with a big smiley face. There is so much wrong with our world I can’t even begin to write about it, but the thing I see most frequently, is how terrible we treat one another. How quickly we can verbally assault or attack someone online from the comforts of our home and the protective barrier of a computer screen. It’s disparaging. The lack of respect we show to other human beings is overwhelming at times. Where do comments like this come from? One word. Pride. People have over inflated senses of who they are now with the popularity of social media. Everything is about ego and making one’s self appear “better” than what one truly is. We need to step back and take a lesson in humility. Learn to be humble. Resist taking part in these types of negative engagements online because it only spreads negativity. Why let some random person you’ll never meet have the power to sour YOUR day? Exercise restraint, scroll past and move on. I feel like we all need to start BEING the changes we want to see in our world.
What does the Bible say about pride and humility?
Jeremiah 9:23 This is what the LORD says: “Let not the wise boast of their wisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast of their riches
Philippians 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves
Proverbs 8:13 To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.
Proverbs 21:24 The proud and arrogant person—“Mocker” is his name— behaves with insolent fury.
James 4:10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up
Be better than the comments you read. Be that change.
I’ve had no energy left to blog lately. I have begun a side project. My partner and I started a live radio show that airs 5 days a week. It’s been exhausting!
Our show is called The Green Room Hfx. We live in Saint John, New Brunswick but we are from, and our sponsor is in Halifax, Nova Scotia. We talk about Medical Cannabis, we review cannabis products, discuss Canadian Cannabis news, play music and create content. I’m still writing the cannabis blog as well so my employment right now is based all around cannabis. It’s great to be working with something you love and are passionate about. It just takes a lot of my time as I create content with my partner, interview people, scour the news and do all the social media stuff. Before I know it, it’s 10:00 pm and I haven’t even eaten yet!
I have missed checking in with my favorite bloggers and I promise to take some time over the new few days and catch up on your posts. I have terrible time management skills and it’s really showing.
I’m tired. I’ve been working harder than I have in years. Some days I’m on the computer for as much as 10 hours a day. I haven’t worked in a professional setting in over 6 years so it’s been a challenge for my body to get used to sitting up so long and so frequently.
I have big plans for this radio show, there’s a lot I want to do with it. Live interviews is one of my big goals. It’s taken some time to learn how to use the mix board and software to produce a radio show but it’s been a fun learning experience. Frustrating at times, but fun.
If any of you use cannabis medically and would like to share your story, please let me know in the comments.
You can listen live to our show Monday to Friday, 4-7 pm AST
If all the countries of the world simultaneously held a vote on whether to keep the internet or go back to the old ways, how would you vote?
We both had to think about it for a few minutes.
I think the internet has had both negative and positive impacts on our society and the way we live.
Being instantly connected, at all times can be both a blessing and a curse. I can’t possibly be the only one that finds instant this and the texting and the constant barrage of beeps and dings intrusive and bothersome. By the same token, being able to instantly answer any question you have no matter the topic via a quick web search or through programs like Siri is time saving and convenient.
Having internet and a good device, allows you limitless possibilities. Convenient ways to network, immediate access to information, easy ways to shop, thousands of games and millions of cat and dog videos. It’s brilliant!
I was first introduced to the internet when I was in University. We had computer labs where you could go and check your Pegasus Mail on a monochrome screen. I remember the first time I sent an email. Pointing at the little flying envelope icon, I marveled at how simple it was. It was an easy way to stay connected with other students that you may be doing group work with. Text messaging was still a few years away at that point and this was as close to instant as we had.
I couldn’t believe how far we’d come as people. Before email, at best, we could leave a message on their home answering machine and just accept that you wouldn’t be resolving this today.
When it’s being used leisurely, I love the internet. It’s great. I’m totally one of those people who constantly check their phone. I love Netflix and I love that I can take my iPad to bed with me to watch videos until I get tired. But when you have a job to do, and it’s being slow or your computer crashes or a program doesn’t work like it’s supposed to. I curse it. I curse the day it became publicly available. Which, according to the internet, is August 6, 1991.
Internet and technology certainly has made life more challenging at times. For example, I spent the last week and a half preparing for our first broadcast on internet radio. Well, we spent hours and hours learning new programs, searching for good topics, writing out bits and the flow of the near 3 hour show only to learn upon setting up for broadcasting live- our Windows 10 has expired. Apparently when you buy computers now, it comes with Windows and Office but no one tells you it’s only registered for a year. After that, you are required to pay $165 for a new activation key for Windows. What a scam! We can’t afford that right now and without it we can’t broadcast, do our podcasts or get important Windows updates. The very thing that has allowed me such an opportunity, has taken it away just like that. The irony, is bitterly painful.
Despite the obvious nettlesome aspects of virtually living on the internet, there lies a darker sinister element. The crime, the hacking, the pedophiles, the identity theft, the loss of privacy, the dark web, the cyber-bullying and the way people talk to one another online behind the protection of anonymity. It’s made us colder, shortened our attention spans, affected relationships and has changed the way we even spend time in person with one another. It’s made us less trusting and more paranoid. It’s turning us in to simulated zombies. It’s confused us with fake news and propaganda. When we think we’ve become smarter, the internet lets us know with a leak or a whistle blower just how dumb we’ve actually become.
I think that I would vote to go back to the old ways. If nothing more than to not be hunched over a computer or device everyday. Do you remember sunshine? I miss the smell of outside. Can you remember peace and quiet? I miss face to face communication. I miss the bliss of ignorance and not knowing every foul detail of every wicked deed done.
How would you vote?
A) Go back to the old ways
B) Keep the internet
I’d love to hear your feedback!
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I don’t want to sound like another man hating lesbian, but I am becoming a man hating lesbian.
For years I have been watching almost every damn woman I know struggle. Struggle for equality in pay, struggle for opportunities, struggle in love, with their self worth and even with their own identities. At the root of a lot of these struggles, is men.
I see my well educated double degree and masters holders, business owners, professionals, beautiful strong women friends being oppressed by men. I see friends who are absolutely stunning women, struggling with self confidence. I see talented, exceptional women being held back with pay and job security. I see my highly intelligent friends questioning themselves. I see my beautiful friends everywhere being treated poorly by men children.
What’s a man childyou ask? Well it’s simple. It’s a man who’s emotional growth stopped at pubescence. He cares about material items, looking cool or tough in front of others. He likes his toys. He thinks primarily of himself and his needs rarely giving a moment to consider yours. He doesn’t ask you about you and would rather blather on about his own problems. He likes to hear himself talk and often seeks an audience. He doesn’t see you as an equal. He sees you as his property, his meal ticket, his product, his inferior because he is the man and you’re the woman. He can’t handle pressure or any real responsibility either.
I’m angry about how men have been treating women for ages both professionally and personally, and in light of recent events of all the shit bags in entertainment, news and politics being called out, I want to jump in on that momentum.
It needs to stop.
A man doing the same job as his female co worker should not earn more simply because he has a penis. “Oh this doesn’t still happen though, things have changed” you might say. No. They haven’t. Most women (unless you’re Meryl fucking Streep) working in entertainment, TV, film, news and radio, often, do NOT earn equal pay to her male counterpart. And honestly, I bet Meryl had to endure her fair share of shit early in her career. Women’s ideas are NOT listened to or taken seriously. She is forced to endure inappropriate comments and unwanted advances. She is told she has to look pretty and wear make up. She is undervalued, underpaid and overworked.
“But if you work hard you can do anything you set your mind to”
That’s some great advice from a man right there, because he is oblivious to how the other half truly lives. It’s not his fault, he’s just always been a man.
“There are still some great men out there.”
Yes, but they are few and far between. A dying breed if you will. We had a small resurgence of the sensitive man that came as a result of 90s grunge and the angst ridden, tortured souls of the Prozac and Cobain generation. These men can often be found sporting beards and man buns wearing toddlers like vests.
“What is a real man then?”
A real man builds others up regardless of gender.
A real man sees qualifications and hard work, not your breasts.
A real man treats women others with respect.
A real man has integrity.
A real man isn’t guided simply by ego.
A real man treats his woman with respect, is supportive, caring and kind. He puts your needs before his own. He values you as a partner and a person. He loves his family.
“What makes you an expert in men? You’re gay.”
For 34 years I lived in denial trying to get by as a “straight woman”. I dated many men. I have a father and step father. I have 3 step brothers. I have had probably 20 male bosses in my life and hundreds of male co workers. I’ve always had plenty of female friends throughout my life, and I am a good listener. I have paid attention.
You might be a shit bag employer if:
You hire women based on what they look like. As a teen, I worked in 2 of biggest coffee shops for years. Not only was I sexually harassed, had my boss rub up against me, but, that same boss blatantly stated one day that he’s “not going to hire her, because she’s kind of ugly and has a big ass.” Now that’s a minimum wage job. We see all the shit that’s coming out of the woodwork in the high power world of entertainment, news and politics- (Matt Lauer I’m looking you, you dirty creepy shit weasel) what do you think it’s like in the real world?
You say really inappropriate, cringeworthy things to and around your female staff and colleagues. I had an employer tell me once that I had “Nice blow job lips.” This came from a supervisor. Fucking creepy. I didn’t even feel safe at a couple of my jobs.
You talk about sex openly.
“Pal, you’re barking up the wrong tree. I don’t want to hear about it, and I certainly don’t want to picture your ugly ass naked.”
Look, I know there a few good men still out there. I even know a handful. I see you, I applaud you, I respect you.
However for all the women out there that are:
Struggling to be heard at work
Struggling with your careers in a male dominated workplace
Struggling with dead beat Dads
Being taken advantage of
Being taken for granted
Being disrespected, lied to, cheated on
Being abused verbally, physically or emotionally
You deserve more. You’re a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman. You deserve better.
I see you. I applaud you for your strength, courage and determination. I respect you.
Live Humbly, Be Charitable, Live Graciously,
Sam Image “Empower” courtesy of Pixabay (Creative Commons)
This is the sickest I’ve been from a demon cold/flu in a couple of years. I’ve really wanted to die be present online this past week and a half but I’ve been bouncing from fever to sleep, complete with weird fever dreams that I wake up from yelling and/or cursing accordingly. To blowing my nose until it bleeds and I see stars, to coughing my ass off. I’m hearing rumors that people are taking as long as 3 weeks to feel better from this one. Kill me. All I want is ice cream to feel better and get back to not mouth breathing blogging regularly.
To make matters worse, my wrist/hand is still not healed. It aches like a motherf** the dickens. Trying to do things I normally do like type, use a mouse, do dishes, laundry, sarcastically comment on random Facebook posts and jazz hands, leaves my hand throbbing and claw like, like a wrinkled evil old hag.
I have in addition been visited by the crimson fairy of womanhood. Fantastic. So not only am I battling fevers, sickness and pain in addition to the ever present, everyday pain of ME/CFS, I now get to feel sad and fat about it. So depressed.
I’ve been fairly absent on social media. Sharing the odd dog gif or video. Dogs always make me smile. No matter what’s going on. Their happy little faces, wagging tails and pure little souls always cheer me up. This was this week’s personal favorite I came across on Facebook.
I haven’t really had the energy or the focus to delve much further than that. I don’t feel like chatting. I don’t want to hear what Trump did or didn’t do this week. I don’t care how sports did. I have no idea what happened in news but if I had to guess I bet it looks something like this;
someone experienced an injustice
someone got caught up in a scandal
that actor you like is a pedo
something big happened in that trial you’re following
I don’t know. I’m just bitchy and don’t need to read about shit I can’t do anything about right now. God Bless. Good luck. My apologies.
I’m trying to set up tomorrow’s cannabis blog. Thank God I had 2 stories up my sleeve so I didn’t really have to interview anyone. I’m catching up with this week’s Coronation Street episodes and my favorite Doctor Who episodes in honor of its 54 year birthday. I’ll probably be awake until the wee hours of morn getting it all set up.
Probably just as well because my poor “C” is getting this bug now and she can probably use some uninterrupted sleep. I’m coughing a lot and sniffling in addition to my standard pain grunts and CFS yawns. Poor dear.
I may need more hot chocolate.
Live Humbly, Be Charitable, Live Graciously,
I can’t breath through my nose Tumblr.com tagged/flu-gifs
We all have our guilty pleasures. Those weird little things that give us joy or instant gratification that we rarely talk about out of fear of being made fun of. Well, fear be damned. I’m coming clean.
On Being “Dirty”
One of my many guilty pleasures happens rarely. I’m a clean freak. Like personal hygiene- clean freak. Even though I have ME/CFS and arthritis which sometimes means I am in too much pain to get a shower that day, I always push myself to do so even if it means I am lying on the tub floor while the shower beats off my sore body. Every now and then though, I say Fuck it. I’m not doing it today. Then I proceed to remain filthy for the day. Filthy to me anyway. It’s not like I’m going out daily getting covered in tar and feathers, I rarely leave my house and I am more likely to be covered in peanut butter toast crumbs. The part 2 of my filthy day involves just laying on the couch all day reading a good book with my dog laying on me. No phone, no texts, no Facebook or Twitter notifications. Just dirty me and a book. Heavenly.
Most of my favorite TV shows are British. My 2 absolute favorites being Doctor Who and Coronation Street. I own EVERY Doctor Who episode from Classic to the 2010 Reboot/current series. The only episodes I don’t own are the ones that were destroyed or lost by BBC. 54 years of the Doctor, his companions and their travels. I have Doctor Who everything in my home. Shirts, Bathroom accessories, including a TARDIS toothbrush holder, mugs, glasses, nightlight, calendars, Christmas Tree decorations including a Weeping Angel tree topper. Daleks everywhere. Let’s just say, when “C” and I first met, her first impression of me was Giant Nerd/Dork. As for Coronation Street, I’ve been watching on and off since I was a child. My grandfather watched it, and my mother watched it. I’ve been a die-hard fan, never missing an episode for about a decade now. I’ve read the giant book, “Four Decades of Life on the Street”, I have a pile of Corrie magazines, a Corrie Teapot, tea mug, keychain and even the limited edition Corrie Trivia Game that I have never played with anyone. It’s predictable sure, everyone sleeps with everyone else’s spouses, someone is always evil and someone will get their “come uppance” soon. I love it. Other honorable mentions go to Downton Abbey, The Thick of It, The Catherine Tate Show, BlackAdder, Red Dwarf, Peep Show, (and anything Mitchell and Webb do), Sherlock, Black Mirror, and Absolutely Fabulous (anything Jennifer Saunders does really). I just find British TV more satisfying than American programming. The acting is better, the writing is better and it’s deeper. I find American TV goes beyond what it needs to be, trying to impress with effects and set designs and large salaries but the scripts and writing are often too weak for me. No.
On Peanut Butter & Snacks
I’m a peanut butter freak. “C” always complains I don’t leave her any. I put that shit on everything. I even dip plain potato chips in it. If I’m hungry, I grab a spoonful of peanut butter and the world seems right again. I am also addicted to Diet Coke. I know it’s bad for me with it’s aspartame and such but I just can’t give it up. To me, there are few things more appealing than an ice cold can of Diet Coke in all it’s carbonated glory. Delicious. Satisfying. Bad for you. I cannot be trusted around baked goods either. Despite my gluten intolerance and severe reactions: if I see cake, I’m eating cake. I am not above getting up in the middle of the night at my mother in law’s house and sneaking up to the kitchen oh so quietly to sample her baked wares. She’s an excellent baker, and I can’t resist or control myself. I usually end up going home swollen with skin issues and one partially closed eye, but… Cake. Other guilty pleasure snacks include dark chocolate (preferably with peanut butter), potato chips in a rainbow of flavors and seeds and nuts.
On Music Preferences
My favorite band of all time is Metallica. I have been a fan since I was 13 years old and have all their albums. I listen to them almost daily. Other favorites include Queens of the Stone Age, anything Jack White does, the Black Keys and 90s Grunge. That being said, when I’m in a mood, I’m not above blasting Kelly Clarkson, Cher, Jill Barber, ABBA or old Carpenters tunes. My favorite, feeling good song is Nina Simone’s I’m Feeling Good. I also reluctantly, enjoy Kanye West‘s old music. Jesus Walks is my all time favorite rap/hip hop tune. I’m not versed in new music at all. I kind of found a decade I liked and stuck with it. I am not ashamed of knowing all the lyrics to old Linda Ronstadt songs either.
My Hobbies & Interests
I have many. I have a hard time just sitting still and doing nothing. I need to have something to do with my hands at all times. Be it a video game on my IPad, coloring in one of my many Adult Coloring books, knitting or writing. I used to paint as well and it’s something I really miss but I need supplies. I have painted pet portraits for a living in the past. Animals are my favorite painting subject. Particularly dogs. They have such expressive faces and pure souls. It brought me a lot of joy. I created a website for my paintings several years ago but I haven’t kept it up to date but you can view my paintings here (it’s not set up for mobile devices however).
Other Things to Come Clean About
I’m a book hoarder collector. I have hundreds of books and thousands more digitally. I’ll never read them all in my lifetime. It doesn’t stop me from getting new books though.
I like taking hour long baths with my Ipad. I put something good on, like I don’t know, Doctor Who, and sit in the hot water submersed. It’s heavenly and oh so relaxing.
I love ALL the dogs. I may not know your name, but I know your dog’s name, his interests and time of day he likes to poop.
I love miniature things. I have a miniature dachshund. If it were socially acceptable, I’d still have a dollhouse to play with and rearrange the furniture in. Someday, I will have an old haunted dollhouse. Even if I’m 80.
From time to time, when I have trouble coming up with something witty or clever to say, I go on an internet hunt for inspiring quotes to keep me motivated. I see other posts from people sharing meaningful quotes so I thought I’d share a few of my favorites.
I periodically just need to be reminded to keep persevering, that things take time, to let go of the things I cannot change or control. To kick ass and be awesome.
This one reminds me to just be myself and that I have value. I have tried to earn money by doing things I love to do. I have earned by painting, writing, dog sitting and working at a dog daycare. No matter if I am watching someone’s pet or writing a quick blog post, I take it seriously and try to do my best.
If I do a job for someone, I always try to do more than what is expected. I try not assume anything. If I don’t try, I’ll never succeed and I try not to compare myself to anyone else.
What’s important to me is my little family. By my little family, I mean my partner, her family, my dog and the couple of close friends I have. The other thing that’s important to me is having purpose. Writing gives me purpose. If I can make one person smile or laugh today, if I can be kind or provide support to my little family, then I feel like I have purpose.
I sometimes have to consciously try to let go of the past. “Nope, don’t think about that, there’s no point in rehashing it, it won’t change.” We cannot change the past, it is what it is. I have learned and grown through pain and mistakes, it’s made me the woman I am today and I am ready for the life God has planned for me.
Don’t over analyze opportunities. Grab it while it’s there and take full advantage of it. Regret is a shitty thing. I also like rocket ships.
Do anything of these speak to you? Let me know in the comments.
Fresh pot of coffee on a sunny Saturday morning? Don’t mind if I do. I have been dragging my ever increasing ass all week. I have been incredibly tired and have had a lot of pain in my legs, back and neck. I’ve also been experiencing a lot of inflammation lately. I’m supposed to be gluten free, dairy free, caffeine, refined sugars, alcohol free but I don’t always follow the rules. Not because I don’t want to, it’s because I’m poor and would rather eat a sandwich than go hungry.
My partner and I are trying to get by on just her income and it’s just not enough to support all the things I’m supposed to do to try and keep symptoms at bay. “Have you tried acupuncture?” “Why don’t you take this?” “Why not get a massage?” What part of poor and uninsured do you NOT understand?
It’s being stuck in a situation where you need a job to pay for all the things you need, and are supposed to do but not being well enough to keep a job, even a part time one. Since 2004, I have been fired from 11 jobs. Not because I wasn’t a fast learner, fun to work with, a good salesperson or a hard worker. It was because of illness and calling in sick.
I have NEVER called in sick unless I physically could not make it to work to do my job- I couldn’t afford that luxury supporting myself. I don’t have a car so that means walking everywhere to get to bus stops, standing and walking and walking and standing, no matter if it’s pouring rain or minus 30 degree weather.
I am now 43 years old with severe arthritis and ME/CFS, degenerative disc disease in 3 spots on my spine. I have a hard time some days taking my dog out for a pee. Days where I spend my shower time laying in the tub absorbing the heat letting the water pound my skin because I can’t stand.
I would love to have a job and be a normal contributing person. No one chooses disability, illness and poverty. No one. I’ve had to resort to doing things like selling my paintings when I was able to paint. I have dog sat, hemmed pants, blogged for dollars on paid blogging sites that don’t seem to exist anymore. Currently I do laundry for a neighbor, I offer to walk my neighbors dogs, I have offered to make sales calls for a friend’s husband, I have created a site for my friend’s business and blog for that. The money is minimal but it makes feel like I’m doing something. I just need more.
I get depressed and bummed out a lot because I can’t do the things I want or need to do. Most recently, my dog has gotten fleas. Now, she is a city dog who is indoors and on sidewalks and always on leash. I don’t give her regular flea treatments because she doesn’t really need them. The only thing I can conclude is that my neighbors who have cats coming and going all the time are carrying fleas. My neighbors, although nice guys are rather irresponsible and dirty. They also have multiple pets in a one bedroom apartment. Our apartments are very close and we share a (very dirty and cat sprayed) back hallway that leads to the rape basement and laundry area. Plus any time my dog comes into contact with the neighbors’ cat, she seems to get fleas on her. I don’t know, either way, I can’t afford the meds my dog needs to be rid of them. I had one tube of Advantix left that I put on her after a bath. I can’t tell you how guilty I feel for not having the things my dog needs. She also needs a vet check up that I can’t afford. It makes me feel like a bad dog mom.
Feeling like a failure is a common theme for my days. Even if it is beyond my control, I feel like I have failed at life. A lot of my friends my age have homes, families, cars and go on trips. Their Instagrams read like travel brochures then there’s mine.
Lots of bath, blanket and book pics. I also commemorate good meals I have enjoyed.
I really want to upgrade my blog and get my own domain. It costs $60. I don’t have it. If we have $60 it usually goes on food and toiletries. It’s so frustrating. I always feel like I’m hog tied and told, “Ok, now do life.”
I don’t even qualify for government services because I live with my partner. The government says she makes too much for me to get help. With that and the way my family treats me I feel like a discarded coffee cup that’s been tossed out a window and kicked to the curb. If you’ve ever driven anywhere in Canada, you’ll see A LOT of discarded Tim Horton’s cups on the highways, streets and overflowing in city trash cans. I bet for every one of those cups that have been deemed used and useless by someone, there is a disabled person struggling to live.
I brew my own coffee at home and use a travel mug.
I believe everyone has a purpose.
Maybe mine is providing a voice for others who are suffering.
How do you get by if you suffer from chronic illness/pain?