Ol’ One Eye

Sam Clattenburg

Ol’ One Eye this morning.   My right eye hath betrayed me.  Might be too much screen time or not enough sleep.  It’s difficult to say when it comes to Fibromyalgia.   This thing happens with my eye where it swells and feels freshly poked.  You know when you accidentally poke yourself in the eye and it stings and waters?  Yeah, I get that for days at a time.  I didn’t sleep well last night because of neck and back pain so, here I am, Ol’ One Eye…

As much as I want to write new material today (and the urge is mighty) I think I need to rest my eye.  I’m going to take a day off from blogging.  My body is clearly telling me to take a break so I think I should listen.  

Now if I can just keep myself away from reading much today.  I’m halfway through Revival by Stephen King and I’m really digging it.  (I’m just a harmless book Sam, no screen here… why don’t you pick me up and touch me?) Also halfway through Doctor Sleep but that’s on my IPad so that one has to wait.

Wishing you all a great day

Live Humbly, Be Charitable, Live Graciously, 

Sam

I Used To Be Pretty 

Ugh. I used to be pretty.” I mumble to myself in the mirror as I tweeze the stray hairs from between my eyebrows.  Like most women, my eyebrows are not naturally perfect.  In fact, I have a unabrow that I have been taking care of since junior high.  I really don’t care who knows because there are pictures of me floating around out there sporting big black thick caterpillars so I’m not fooling anybody.  In the nineties, it was all about the skinny brow.  I wore those too.  Back then I looked constantly surprised.  We all did.  It was a frightening time.  That’s where The Macarena lives.  I take my eyebrows seriously now.   I have left specific instructions with my partner as well as close friends that if I am ever hospitalized for any length of time, for the love of all things holy, please have someone come in and do my eyebrows.  Anyway, moving on, I used to be pretty.  I’m really noticing my age now when I look in the mirror. 

I have creases and lines around my darkened eyes that I try to hide with concealers and light eyeshadows.  I have noticeable lines around my mouth from laughing out loud and deep frown lines in my forehead from wincing in pain, and from saying “what in the actual fuck?” too often.  I have coarse gray hairs sprouting where my soft wavy auburn ones used to be. 

Things creak and snap and pop in a much older, much rounder version of a girl that used to dance with reckless abandon alone in her room to the B52s.  The girl who used to stay up all night finishing a Stephen King novel before she went to school now, at 43 holds that Stephen King book much farther away and prefers e readers because you can make the font large and these days, I’m all about less squinting.

I’m aging.  It seems to have snuck up on me somewhere between season 1 and season 7 of Game of Thrones.  

One night you’re washing your bar makeup off and when you splash your face and look up, it’s 20 years later and there’s some old broad standing where you once were with an “I’m too old for this shit” look on her face.  She thinks your music is too loud and that young people suck.  

I guess I’m not at that aging gracefully stage as there seems to be nothing graceful about it. Things drop, sag and hang and all the push up bras and Spanx in the world can’t hide the lie forever.  Why are my hips widening now?  The time for babies has passed.  It really seems like overkill.  

I’d like to conclude by saying something like, “oh but I am so much wiser.”  I am.   I’m wise to the fact that I’m looking and feeling haggard and old.  


This blog post brought to you by Queens of the Stone Age Villains.. On repeat. Thank God for Rock and Roll…

Live Humbly, Be Charitable, Tell Her She’s Pretty,

Sam
Sam Clattenburg

Doctor Who Slippers and Middle Finger Flippers

TARDIS slippers

Well, it’s happening.  Winter is coming.  (Giant groan) I hate winter.  I spent today literally wrapped up in fleece trying to stay warm and dry.   Saint John is such a soggy city.  It rains more than anywhere I’ve ever lived.  

I’ve broke out all my ugly fleece pants.  Today I’m rockin purple ones.  I’ve had the space heater going all day trying to get the dank out of our tiny apartment.   I spent the day flipping between two different books I am reading simultaneously, Doctor Sleep and Revival both by my idol- Stephen King.   The only man I allow in my bed. 

Everything hurts; right down to the joints in my fingers.   FML

To top things off I am in the beginning stages of menopause.  I know it’s menopause because I go from mellow to bitch in under 3 seconds.  I just want to strip off all my clothes no matter where I am and just beat on and berate the next person I see in all my naked glory.  I’m also an emotional mess.   Old episodes of Sex and the City has left me crying all over myself after blowing through two rolls of toilet paper.  When does this stop?  How long will I be a surly, sweaty, crying mess?  

Other things I could do without are as follows:

Cruise Ship Horns–  We live in a port city and all the big cruise ships park just a couple of streets down from where we live.  I can actually see the ships in great detail from my bedroom window.  You can only imagine how loud those horns are or how many teas I’ve spilled down the front of my shirt when they unexpectedly blow at any random time of day.

Slipping on Wet Leaves– It has begun. I slipped yesterday on a yellow maple leaf.  It’s much like slipping on a banana peel only far less amusing.

Everything Looks Dirty– It’s amazing how sunshine and greenery can clean up a city.  I love where I live in the summers, but come the fall everything looks dirty, ugly and depressing.  I am ready for Arizona.  Oh God I wish I could winter there. 

Even the People Start to Look Dirty– In the summer, people walk by smiling, carrying their summer beverages, giddy and laughing.  I have developed “street friendships” with many of the other dog owners so it’s normal to stop and chat.  Now it’s people trying to stay warm and dry.  They quickly shuffle past you, no smiles, no Hellos, just a person trying to get where they gotta go dragging an unwilling dog behind them.  It’s like everyone gets a little less friendly as the weather changes.

Pain, Pain and more Pain– I have crippling arthritis and Fibromyalgia.   I’m like Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde comparing summers to winters.   I know it’s not winter yet but the “in between” seasons in Eastern Canada is basically our rainy seasons.   When winter ends, it rains until summer, when summer ends, it rains until winter.  Our year looks like this:

Rain > 2 weeks of a “Spring” > Rain > A little “Summer” > Rain > Cold as shit > Rain > Winter (also cold as shit)

I’m going to need more Tylenol.  Also, why don’t they make heating pads larger?  Like full body length?  

The season changes always result in a week or two of insomnia, headaches and bouts of crying.   How do you deal where you live?  Is it warm where you are?  Can I come live with you until our 2 weeks of Spring arrives?  

In the meantime,

Live Humbly, Be Charitable, Live Graciously,
Sam

Germain Street
Dreary Saint John
*Photos are my own